Part 1 of my series on Sexual Harassment in the WorkPlace
I hear the door to my office creak open behind me. It’s late in the evening and I am in my office alone, trying to polish up a few things before I head back to camp for the evening. Before I can even turn around, he’s already barging in, moving closer to my desk.
“Hey Daniella, I heard that you have a cabin in the interior of Alaska.”
“Uhm…yeah. Do you have something electrical to talk to me about?” I ask, keeping a straight face. I know the answer to this question before he even opens his mouth. He’s a mechanical piping guy. He knows nothing and has nothing to do with what I do for work.
“Well, no.” He stammers.
“I don’t have time for chit-chat,” I reply bluntly. “I have deadlines and I am working. Please leave my office now. Thank you.”
His jaw drops. He glowers and stiffens a little, but he stomps out down the hall, slamming my door as he goes.
Now for some of you reading this exchange, this may seem a little harsh. We “girls” have been trained to be “nice,” “polite,” accommodating even. If I have learned one thing from my male co-workers, it’s that I am here to work. It is perfectly acceptable to draw distinct boundaries in the work place. Particularly around those who make me uncomfortable.
Now to give a little context around this particular exchange, there are many types of sexual harassers out there. The ones that we see in the news are the more overt kinds. You know, the ass-grabbers, the ones who make lewd comments and jokes, the ones who try to get girls drunk and assault them. I could go on and on, but I am going to focus on a subtler kind. There’s a kind of guy who flies under the radar, but quite frankly is possibly the biggest workplace predator, because he often escalates to these other behaviors, but he carefully selects his victim, grooming her to make it feel as if it is her fault when he makes his move. I call this guy, the Creepy McCreeperton, or how about just Creeper for short.
Now, throughout my career as a technician and engineer, I have had many male colleagues as mentors and friends. But there have always been clear boundaries established from the get go. The Creeper immediately starts trying to bend or push these boundaries.
Creeper moves in on his prey subtly, coming in to talk about work, but then moving on to other subjects, usually his favorite, sex. He works hard to find out what her interests are so he has ammunition. Creepers can be married or single. He’ll often open up to her about his own relationship problems, gaining her sympathy by trying to get her advice on his own relationship woes. Then he’ll try to get her to talk about her problems, so she can see just how much they have in common. The irony is that over the course of my career, it is usually the other men I work with know who the Creepers are, and warn me about them early on. Sadly, they don’t feel very empowered to do much about them.
The Creeper I mentioned above was notorious for stalking the young female engineers I worked with. He preyed on the fact they were too nice to tell him to go away. He always managed to come to their offices when they were working late or alone. He would often bring legitimate “work” to talk about so he had a reason to be there, but then sway to the subject to personal matters (sexual).
When they would tell me about it, I would try to drive home to them that they didn’t have to put up with this behavior. Establishing boundaries for professional behavior is perfectly acceptable. Guys don’t worry about being nice. We shouldn’t either. We should worry about being professional We’re here to do a job, not be someone’s eye candy.
Now, to give a little more info on said Creeper above, he didn’t give up after the incident in my office. He would try to find ways to talk about “personal” stuff with me, even though I made it clear I had nothing to say. Usually by trying to stop me in the dining hall or corner me in the gym and comment on my workout attire (yes, he was a true gem). I finally had to let him know that I had spoken with my supervisor about his behavior, and if he did not desist bothering me or other females in my department, we would be taking further action (further action was taken, because I guess he didn’t think I knew about the other women he was bothering).
Yes, I will add a small caveat here. We’re all adults, and some people do date in the work place. And that’s fine, but no one should feel coerced or harassed. It is acceptable to tell someone that their behavior is inappropriate without fear of reprisal. In fact, when I let my male co-workers the depth and level of was going on, they were outraged and incensed. It’s guys like that that give men a bad name. Most of the men I have worked with wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that. They have daughters, sisters and other female friends. They knew the guy was a “creep” but they couldn’t believe the lengths to which the guy would go.
We’re all human and we make mistakes. Speaking for myself, I have somethings said things I should not. People have said things around me that they should not. I try to give people (at least for the first offense) the benefit of the doubt that they are not trying to offend me and that they are a decent person. My usual response is something along the lines of crossing my arms over my chest, giving them a grin while I raise an eyebrow and saying, “Really?” And that’s more than enough for most of my technicians to know they’ve gone too far. We’re in a new era. Women are entering into professions and places that have been dominated by men for millennia. The amount of change in the industry both in attitude and support towards women has been staggering. There’s still along way to go. But that change needs to come with an open mind on both sides. We have to look at each other as human beings and partners, not adversaries.