An steamy excerpt from a WIP set in the interior of Alaska
“Evelyn,” Zeke said. She raised her head and looked at him, eyes wide and still full of tears. “Would you like to stay here with me tonight? It’s a little late to be driving back to Anchorage or trying to get a hotel.”
“Yes, Zeke. Please? I don’t want to bother you, but I’m scared. I feel safe here with you,” she said, lips trembling.
“You’re not a bother,” he said, brushing a lock of hair away from her face with his good hand. “Not at all. I’m glad you came to me for help.” While the thought of her in danger tore at him, her words made his heart swell. “How about I get you something to drink? Would you like a beer?” He motioned to the bottle on the coffee table with his prosthetic claw.
“Sure,” she replied. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to clean up.” She ran her hands over her hair as she rose to her feet, petite body quaking.
“Take your time.” He said, going into the kitchen and getting two more bottles of beer. He grinned when she emerged from his bathroom. Ivory silk blouse neatly tucked back into her linen skirt. Ash blonde hair smoothed, skin fresh scrubbed. She kicked off her tan pumps under his coffee table and plopped down onto the couch beside him, wriggling pretty pink manicured toenails in her silky sheer stockings as he handed her a beer.
She took a swig and leaned against him, eyelashes making butterfly kisses against his bare skin as she blinked. Now that things were calm, he was painfully aware of her warm breath and that tiny perfect body pressing against his. With every inhalation, those pert breasts under the filmy blouse brushed against his side, ratcheting the heat in his own core a fraction higher.
“Zeke?”
“Yeah Evelyn?”
“Thank you. I didn’t know where else to go. I was so scared.” She ran her fingers along the muscles of his chest. Zeke closed his eyes, savoring the sensation. His groin throbbed in time with the light stroke of her fingers.
A jolt coursed through him as her satiny lips brushed his neck. His eyes flew open wide and he jerked away.
Evelyn jumped back too, tears filling her eyes. “I’m sorry. I just—I thought maybe you—never mind.” She covered her face with her hands and started to rise.
“Wait, no.” Zeke said, snaking his good arm around her. arresting her flight. “You just startled me. I wasn’t expecting that.” He moved her hands away from her face. “I—I didn’t think you could want a guy like me.”
“Why?” she asked cocking her head to the side and wiping her eyes.
His laughter came out more like a harsh bark as he held up his metal claw. “Do I really need to answer?”
“Really?” she replied, eyes flashing. “You really think I’m so shallow that something as minor as that would bother me?” She motioned to his prosthetic arm. “I’m not like Emily,” she said, face flushing red.
“Whoa, whoa. It has nothing to do with me thinking you’re shallow Evelyn,” he said, running a hand through his dark hair. “You’re amazing. I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you in the 6th grade, in your tiny pink sweater and jeans. I just thought a smart perfect girl like you could never want a big dumb jock like me. And now I’m—” His words trailed off as his dark eyes looked at the claw where his forearm and hand used to be.
“You’re what? You’re successful, handsome, talented, strong, sexy—you’re so many things Zeke. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” she replied, touching his cheek.
“I think I’m starting to.” He put his hand under her chin and pressed his lips to hers, savoring the sweet taste. She kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck, kneeling on the couch next to him so she could be eye level with his face.
He jerked his prosthetic arm back as the claw started to catch on the filmy lace of her top.
“What? What’s wrong?” She asked, cocking her head to the side.
“I’m just afraid I’m going to hurt you,” he said metal claw gleaming as he held it up.
She frowned, running her fingers over the stubble on his chin. Then her full lips curled up, the gleam in her eyes brought a fresh surge to his groin. She stood up from the couch.
“Come with me. Now,” she ordered, holding out her hand. He took it and allowed her to lead him into the bedroom. She stopped next to his bed and pushed him up against it with her tiny hands. Eyes huge as she craned her neck to look up at him, running her fingers over the muscles of his chest. She stood on her tip-toes, raining licks and kisses against his collar bone. He started to reach for her. She arrested his arms shaking her head.
“No,” she whispered. “Hands off. You’re not allowed to touch.” He obeyed, dropping his arms to his sides. His groin grew harder as she continued her inspection of his body with her eyes, lips and tongue. Clever fingers moved lower to the waist of his boxers, tugging them to the floor.
“Lie down on the bed,” she said, as she lightly cupped him.
He complied, erection standing up like a post. She hiked up her linen skirt and slid one gossamer stocking from a shapely leg, then the other.
“Hands over your head,” She commanded as she climbed on top of him, straddling his chest. Using the frail fabric, she bound his muscled wrist then his prosthetic arm far apart to the bed posts. She leaned over him, glossy hair tickling his face. Zeke’s pulse climbed as her sweet perfume filled his senses. Her lace panty rubbed against his abs as she squeezed with her thighs. Her lips brushed his as she whispered, “There. Now you don’t have to worry about hurting me. I’m in charge.”
She dismounted and reached for the light switch.
“No!” Zeke barked. “If I can’t touch you, I want to see you.”
Her lip trembled as she crossed her arms over her chest. “But I’m so—”
“Beautiful? Sexy? Perfect?” He asked, smiling.
“Small. Skinny.” She said, hanging her head.
“Not at all. Please, Evelyn. Take off your clothes. I’ve only been dreaming of this since I was eleven.”
Her trembling fingers worked the intricate buttons on the ivory silk blouse. She peeled off the gossamer layer to reveal a sheer lace bra clinging to her pert breasts. Next, she unbuttoned her skirt and wriggled it to the floor, nothing but the barest slip of ivory lace beneath. He longed to trace his finger, followed by his tongue, along that perfect curve outlined by delicate flowery stitching. She kneeled beside him on the bed, eyes huge.
“Aren’t you going to take your bra and panties off?” he asked, mouth dry, as her golden skin brushed up against his.
Her perky breasts strained against the sheer fabric as she leaned over him, voice almost a purr as she said, “You’ve waited this long. I feel like I should stretch out the suspense, make sure it’s worth your while.” His cock surged, entire being quaking as she flicked her tongue against his ear then let out her breath in a sigh.
She ran her fingers over the muscles of his chest, then trailed kisses toward his lips. She then worked her way back down to his navel, tracing his abs with her tongue.
“Zeke,” she panted against his skin as she crawled up his body again. “Do you know how hot you get me?” she asked as she nipped each of his nipples with her pearly teeth.
He gasped, body jerking, pulse pounding. “No baby. Why don’t you show me?”
She let one strap of lace fall from her shoulder, then the other. Zeke counted every rise and fall of her breasts as she inched her hands around her back, then finally unsnapped the frilly garment. Freeing those perfect peaks from their sheer prison, she threw it aside and smiled. With a wicked gleam in her eyes, she leaned over him, offering him one succulent pink nipple then the other. He craned his neck, suckling greedily. Her soft moans and whimpers as her body flexed above him sent new surges to his already hard cock.
She jerked back and he moaned with dismay. “Oh baby, please. Untie me. I want you.”
“No,” she said, lips against his ear as her hard nipples grazed his skin, setting his groin on fire. “You should have thought of that before you said you were afraid to touch me.” His breath came harder as she began to wriggle out of the lace thong covering her netherlips. His swollen erection pulsed at the sight of her bare skin with the neat strip of blonde hair at the entrance. She probed his mouth with her tongue, teasing, testing; while he strained to touch her. She pulled back again, eyes steady as she trailed her fingers along his lips.
“Zeke, would you like to taste me?
“God yes.” He choked out a reply. She turned her back to him and straddled his face, spreading her folds and lowering slowly. He opened his mouth and suckled her wet opening. Leaning over his body, she stretched and writhed as he found her hard little pearl with his tongue. He reveled in her sweet and salty taste and in her whimpers and cries as he worked her. Her breath was hot against his navel as she moaned, pressing her face into him. She clawed him with her nails gripping and tugging as he probed. Meanwhile, he worked one hand free of her restraints, then the other. Completely lost in her world of pleasure, she didn’t feel his hand grip her hip, pulling her closer, increasing pressure.
“Oh, oh, oh Zeke! Oh fuck!” She moaned as she quivered, rubbing against him as she began to peak. He sucked and licked harder, determined to feel her come against him. When she finally went limp against him, cries becoming whimpers against his skin, he sat up. Scooping her up with his good arm, he flipped her over onto her back and rolled on top of her. He smiled at her wide eyes and gaping jaw as she gazed up at him.
He kissed her neck, sandpaper-like stubble leaving a red mark against her flawless golden tan. She tangled her fingers in his hair.
“Please Zeke. I want you inside of me. Now.” She pleaded. He shook his head.
“Sorry. Now I’m in charge. Just relax Evelyn. It’s going to be a long night.”
As promised, a blog post about the interior of Alaska, the location of our cabin, and the inspiration for several of my stories. In particular, my horror novella, The Dark Land, inspired by the Legend of the Cet’aeni or the “People with Tails.”
Since the white man’s “discovery” of the land the Aleut’s call Alyeska, there has been an intense fascination with this broad expanse of wilderness. Most people who visit barely scratch the surface, never understanding the true scale and depth of Alaska’s land. They stick to the tour buses, enjoying the safety of what my husband and I call the “look, but don’t touch” Alaska. These tourists will never experience her harsh bite. They can’t comprehend that behind her glacial beauty, beats a cold and unyielding heart that has lured many to a premature end.
None understand this better than the native peoples who populated this vast land long before the Europeans set foot here. Many distinct tribes and cultures lived within Alaska’s varied terrain. The subject of the different tribes and languages could take up multiple blog posts and books. If you are ever visiting Anchorage, a great stop is the Alaska Native Heritage Center:
They break down the enormous state into the 5 distinct regions of tribal peoples. It is a great place to get a better understanding of how these people lived and thrived in Alaska
As mentioned, most tourists see the southeast of Alaska. they take a cruise from Seattle or Vancouver up the inside passage. They see the land of the Haida and the Tlingit. Tall trees and totem poles. Calving glaciers and orcas.
They might head further north to Anchorage, or Los Anchorage as some of us who live here call it. Alaska’s largest city of roughly 300K people might seem paltry to outsiders, but it is a behemoth considering almost half the state’s population lives in one city. There’s another joke about Anchorage, “Alaska, 20 minutes from Anchorage.” Tourists who only come to Anchorage haven’t seen the real Alaska, they’ve just been brought here to spend money.
Some brave tourists venture into the interior, taking tours of Denali National Park and Fairbanks. Few tourists venture into the Eastern interior. Those who do might go visit Kennecott Mine, inside the boundaries of Wrangell-St. Elias National Park, the largest US National Park by area. A few more might make the drive up the Alcan, visiting the Canadian cities of Dawson or Whitehorse, then visiting Chicken and Eagle on the US side of the border, all remnants of the great Yukon/Klondike gold-rush. Gold is still actively mined in these regions to this day. For those of you who regularly follow my posts, you’ll know this is where the cabin is located, just outside of Chicken.
The interior is the land of the Athabascan. Most people would think that the North Slope/Arctic region would be the coldest, but that is not the case. Without the warming/cooling effects of the ocean, the interior experiences the extremes of weather. The Alaska interior holds the record low in Prospect Creek, AK at -80F (-62C for my friends on the Celsius scale). The record low in Chicken, AK is pretty close, at -76. The record high was at Ft. Yukon (north of Fairbanks) at 100F.
The native Athabascans adapted to their landscape and extreme environment and carved an existence out of the harsh beauty.
The fierce, tenacious tribes of Athabascans that inhabited this particular region of wild rivers and harsh extremes were the Ahtna and Tanana.
The first attempts by Europeans to navigate and chart the copper river were met by fierce resistance from the Ahtna and Tanana. The parties disappeared, never returning.
It wasn’t until 1885, Lt. Henry T Allen and two other men set off from Portland, OR with explicit orders to map and navigate the Copper and Tanana Rivers and bring back information on the peoples living in the region. A link to information on this expedition is below.
The Ahtna, like all people have myths and legends. Legends of the Gguux (pronounced gookh) that pull people into the water to drown. Stories of the “Hairy Man” much like the Bigfoot or Yeti of other cultures.
But the tale I will spin for you is based loosely on the legend of the Cet’eani or “People with tails.” My husband has done a great deal of hiking and skiing in the back country of the Copper Valley and Wrangell-St. Elias National Park while his brother had a homestead in Slana. This story is loosely based on some of his experiences.
There are multiple iterations of this tale, as it varies depending on location, tribe and dialect.
A young hunter set forth from the village in late winter to provide fresh meat for his family. When he did not return, a party went out searching. They tracked his steps some distance from the village to a valley that was seldom explored. It was whispered that evil spirits dwelled within, lurking in caves and trees. Creatures with tails.
The hunters entered with caution. Coming over a ridge in the dark, they saw a bonfire in front of a cave. Creatures with tails frolicked in the firelight, playing a game, kicking the young hunters head to and fro. The hunters waited until the creatures retreated to their cave for the night. They sealed the entrance with rocks and lit it on fire. They went back to the village and warned others of what they had seen.
Knowing they had not truly vanquished the Cet’aeni, they made the valley forbidden, calling it the “Dark Land.”
As I get ready to self-publish my horror/paranormal romance novel, the Dark Land, set in the back country of Wrangel St. Elias National Park, I’ll be doing more posts about this particular region of Alaska, and our plans for our cabin this summer!
Here is the beginning of a horror story inspired by the interior of Alaska where we have our cabin. Let me know what you think. I previously just published the very beginning. Here is the intro and the first Chapter. This is still a rough draft, but I am having a lot of fun with it.
The Headless Valley
Bryan took another swig of the Wild Turkey from the metal flask. Shoving it back into the cargo pocketof his camopants, he coughed and examined the track in the half-frozen sprucebog. He re-adjusted his pack; freeze-dried ash, willow and spruce needles crunching under his boots as he gazed into the mist.
Where’d that stupid fuckin’ moose go?
He mumbled to himself, breath making a white vapor in the early evening air. He gripped his rifle harder, fingers aching in the bitter chill.
Better not have fuckin’ lost it. Knew I never should have left my four-wheeler. He wheezed and blew a snot rocket, then tugged his camopants over his pot belly.
His head whipped at the sound of snapping branches further down the narrow valley.
It’s almost dark, but fuck it, I’m not going back empty handed after coming all this way. He said to himself, creeping along through the thick brace of willow and spruce.
A chill went up his spine and his skin prickled under his woolen shirt as he came into a misty clearing. A cave gaped in the hillside above. The dark opening like the slack jaw of a drunk whore with no teeth. A sensation of being watched intensified.
I—I should go back to Miss Penny’s old lodge. It’s late—I don’t want to hack up a moose tonight anyway. I’ll try again tomorrow. Plenty of dumb moose out here. Don’t need this one. He thought, guts churning as his eyes searched the thick mist.
The spruce bog came to life around him in the rapidly dimming light. Silence broken by the snapping of branches and crunching of leaves. Yellow eyes, standing a little shorter than himself, appeared in every direction. Dark shapes forming in the silvery shadows.
“Fuck you! I’m leaving!”he shouted, voice cracking as a stream of wetness trickled down his leg to his boots. Urine hot in contrast to the clamminess of his skin. He stumbled back, bumping into spruce trees, their spiny frozen needles clawing at his all-weatherjacket and pants. Willow branches whipped his face, knocking his knit cap to the ground and exposing his nearly bald head to the freezing air. Breathing hard, he continued to try to push his way back out of the clearing.
The yellow eyes grew larger as they drew closer. He fired his rifle, discharging every bullet. Gunfire split the air, mingling with the rising sound of branches cracking. Boot catching on a hummock of moss, he sprawled backward rolling against his heavy pack, limbs flailing like a turtle. The useless rifle flew from his hands. His final scream cut short as the yellow eyes hovered above.
Rosamunde’s Journey
Rosamunde
slogged through the hard-packed snow, the Iverson’s cozy roadhouse long behind
her now. Heavy frost and snow graced the bare branches of spruce, willow and
alder. The skeletal limbs shuddering from time to time in the later winter
breeze. Her breath came faster, leaving frost around the mouth and nose of her
gray facemask as she focused on sliding one ski in front of the other. The
scraping sound against the snow as she built a steady rhythm echoed in the
otherwise silent boreal forest. As she found her stride, digging each pole into
the trail created by the arctic cat by Dick just a week before, she was able to
forget about the heavy straps of the pack digging into her shoulders, and the way
the belt pinched the tender skin of her hips as she dragged the sled along
behind her.
She
looked up at brilliant azure late winter sky. The blinding yellow sun hung just
above the trees. Ice crystals hung in the air, creating a shimmering sundog.
She wanted to stop and admire the beauty, but she needed to keep moving. A
clear cloudless sky on a day like this meant one thing, a bone-chilling cold
night. The sooner she got to the lodge and got a fire started, the better.
As
she built a steady rhythm, her mind began to wander. At least I don’t have to break trail. Then she shuddered at the
reason why she didn’t have to break trail. Dick had made multiple trips to Miss
Penny’s old lodge in the last few weeks. First to retrieve her body after he
and Ulrik had found her mauled and delirious on the floor. And then another
trip last week to clean up the mess and lock everything back up.
Why did she come out here alone? Rosamunde
asked herself, chest aching not only from the subzero temperature as she gulped
air, hauling her heavy load, but from her thoughts of Penny’s death. Why didn’t she tell me she was coming out
here to look for Bryan? I would have come with her. Maybe I could have helped. She
closed her eyes for a moment, gliding along. She thought of the last entry in Miss
Penny’s old diary, dated the night she was probably injured. Her desperate
longing to find her son echoed in every word she wrote. It ate at Rosamunde
that the older woman had faced it alone. Not only that, there was the letter,
written on simple hospital stationary just before she died, asking Rose to come
out here and try to find his remains.
Bryan’s remains.
The
thought made her shudder. They had all grown up out here together at the lodge.
Though Bryan had sometimes made her life miserable, no one deserved to die like
that. And he wasn’t the only person she knew who had disappeared out here. While
Miss Penny had adopted and fostered scores of abused kids like Rosamunde, Bryan
was Penny’s only flesh and blood son. It had been two years since Bryan had
disappeared into the Wrangel-St. Elias back country on a hunting trip, vanishing
without a trace. Miss Penny had been crushed. The only initial clues had been
his sleeping gear left behind at the old lodge.
Then
last September, the Alaska State Troopers caught some teenagers in McCarthy joy
riding in his four-wheeler. They led the police to where they’d found it parked,
out by a dry campsite, down by Dan Creek. Beyond that, the trail went cold
again. In such a large, uninhabited region, no one had the resources to scour
the back country for a young man everyone was sure was dead. Not to mention he had
been such an asshole when he was alive, no one terribly missed him anyway. No
one except for his mother.
A
rustling in the trees louder than the sound of her skis scraping along the snow
made her pause. Her hand dropped to her pistol at her waist as her eyes scanned
the frozen understory of the forest. A pair of eyes blinked at her, a furry
face blending seamlessly with the ice and snow. The large cat moved its head
again, giving away its location.
Rosamunde
gripped her pistol. The lynx blinked again, eyeing her and cocking its head to
the side. She expelled her breath in a long white cloud that froze instantly in
the subzero air. The cat already had its dinner hanging limp in its large
jowls. The white snowshoe hare, the large feline’s favorite prey, had been too
slow today. The lynx eyed her again, then slinked away into the brace of spruce
and willows, padding gracefully on top of the snow with its huge paws that
acted as natural snow shoes.
The
forest grew quiet once more. She shook her head as a new chill went down her
spine. The hair stood up on the back of her neck and she looked around,
scanning the snowy wood for other signs of life.
You’re just spooked. Yeah, something
could be out there, just like that lynx, but you need to keep moving. It’s
going to get really cold as soon as that sun sets. You need to get to the old
lodge before dark. Edna said there’s plenty of wood, but you need to bring it
in from the shed. Still, why do I feel like I’m being watched?
Rosamunde
adjusted her face mask and goggles against the brutal cold and checked her
compass in the alpine glow. Miss Penny’s
old lodge should only be a few more yards, she thought to herself, snapping
it close again and clipping it back to her jacket. The snowy boreal forest faded
into soft shades of violet, navy and lavender as the sun dropped below the tree
line. The black spruce trees casting long shadows all around, creating sinister
shapes on the gleaming snow. Doubt set in as she shivered, the sweat permeating
her underlayers.
Why am I doing this? Following the
last wishes of an old woman who was probably hallucinating when she died? Rosamunde
asked herself for possibly the hundredth time today.
Because she loved you, Rose, the
voice in her head scolded. She was the
only person who ever loved you. It’s the least you can do after everything she
did for you.
She
thought back to the funeral last week and her encounter with Aaron, when he had
given her the diary.
“Hey
there beautiful,” he’d said as she stood by the closed casket, gazing at the
pictures of Penny and all of the children she’d adopted or fostered over the
years, including herself and the man who spoke to her now, Aaron.
Before
she had even turned around, her skin was already crawling at the tone of his
voice. “Hi,” she replied, wiping her eyes with a shaking hand as she took a
step back. Already he’d moved in far too close for her comfort. The smell of
his cheap cologne overpowering the heady scent of lilies and roses arranged around
the casket.
“Look,”
he said, running a hand through his thin, fine brown hair. His beady blue eyes
scaled up and down her black sheath dress. “I know this must be tough for you, I’m
glad you were able to make it into town on such short notice.”
She
nodded, taking another step back as he made a motion as if to touch her arm. “Yeah,
fortunately they were able to get me on a flight down from Prudhoe, I’m on
leave for the next few weeks.”
“Great,
listen we started going through some things Mary had with her, and I found her
old diary, and a note she wrote when she was in the hospital. It was addressed
to you. Looks like she wrote it just before…” His voice trailed off, and his
eyes slid to the casket.
She
nodded, tears filling her vision again. He pulled a brown leather diary out of
the sports coat of his jacket and handed it to her.
“Thanks,”
she replied, a chill going up her spine as his clammy fingers brushed hers. She
couldn’t explain why she found him so repulsive. Other women seemed to find him
charming. His date hovered nearby, glaring at the two of them, fluffing her
long blonde hair.
“Well
I should be going. See you around.” He said, managing to pat her shoulder. She
shuddered a little as he walked away then chastised herself. He’s never been anything but nice. Sure he
was really creepy as a teenager, but he seems to have grown out of it. She
shook her head at the memories. When she read the diary and the simple letter enclosed
within, she wasted no time making plans to travel out to the old lodge.
Her
long sigh echoed in the air as she kicked off through the hardpacked snow as
she continued along, following the trail made earlier in the week. Under her
parka and multiple layers of gear, sweat trickled down the small of her back
and between the cleavage created by her bra despite the subzero air. Her
shoulders ached from the heavy pack, and the belt attached to her hips continued
to rub as she dragged the small sled through the ice locked boreal forest. Her
lips curled up in a relieved smile as the old wooden lodge came into view. Its
lower windows boarded up with plywood, but the fortunately wooden porch free of
snow. Probably from when Ulrik and Dick
came out to get her. Rosamunde thought, closing her eyes against tears.
Increasing her stride, she quickly crossed the small clearing to the large log
cabin. Dragging the sled up the stairs onto the sturdy porch, the warped wood
creaked as she eased her pack off her shoulders setting it down and looking
around.
She
rubbed her aching shoulders and looked back at the trail she’d made to the deep
snow. At least I made it before dark, she
thought to herself she pulled her pistol from its holster and tugged her
headlamp on over her balaclava. She worked the combination lock on the front
door and heaved it open. Holding her pistol high, she entered and searched the
gloomy interior. Creeping through each room she listened for sounds of
intruders, either animal or otherwise. Satisfied that nothing was disturbed,
and everything was still securely boarded up, she went back into the main area
of the Lodge and lit the ancient propane lantern by the cast-iron wood stove.
The
lantern glowed to life, casting light and shadows around the room. She assessed
the pile of wood next to the stove.
Enough for tonight, and just to heat
this room, and I’ll need
to melt water too. She thought to herself, I should get more before it gets much darker. Who knows how cold it’ll
be tonight and tomorrow. And I’ll need more when I sled out to the service
cabin near Dan Creek. May as well get it now.
She dragged her pack and sled inside, pulling the sled with her food and rifle in the kitchen. She unlashed the rifle from the sled and set it on the rack next to the front door, taking off the safety. She unloaded the dry goods and her packages from the sled, so she could use it to haul wood. Next she wandered over to the other side of the wood stove where the bed platform set back in an alcove. The old wooden platform creaked beneath the weight of her pack. Her gut sank as she spied a sleeping bag with familiar initials embroidered at the bottom: BSC. Next to the platform on the floor sat a-half empty bottle of Wild Turkey. She picked it up with the tips of her fingers and moved it to the counter and the old kitchen. Rosamunde thought back again to the letter Penny had written on her deathbed, tucked into her old diary.
Wow,
Brian really was here. I wonder why Penny thought I could find him when the
troopers couldn’t.
Maybe I can. They don’t really have
the resources to do it. And we all grew up out here. I know the places he might
go. So would Ulrik. Maybe I should have asked him to come along. She
grew warm at the thought of spending the nights alone out her with the tall
handsome dark-haired man she grew up with, who she’d idolized since she was a
girl. She shook her head. No, Ulrik hated
Bryan even more than I did, he would just try to talk me out of it anyway. But
even he would agree with me, this is the best time of year to cross the spruce
bogs. But to I really want to go out to “Headless Valley” alone?
Stop that, that’s just a story
Ulrik’s Nana used to tell us when we were kids. It’s not real.
She eyed the bottle of Wild Turkey again, thinking of Bryan’s constant run-ins with the Troopers and Penny’s desperate wish for him to get sober. She swallowed hard. She saved so many of us, me included, but she couldn’t save her son from his addictions. She deserved so much more. I should have told her how much I loved her. The thoughts swirled through her head as Rosamunde looked around the lodge, taking in the weathered logs and the well-worn chinking. Tears filled her eyes as she noted the cast iron pots, still hung from their familiar nails on the wall. The cabinets that Miss Penny’s father had made by hand still stood against the far wall, Rosamunde had come here just two—Or was it three summers—to help re-paint them. The door to the downstairs bedroom was closed, but she knew that room by heart, having slept many nights there, being rocked to sleep by either Penny or Ulrik or Keira after being rescued from her own broken home. Rosamunde turned back toward the door. Her guts clenched at the sight of the dark stain visible in the lantern light in the middle of the floor. Penny, that’s where she…
Rosemunde
swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, then she squared her shoulders.
Get a fire built, then go get wood and snow for before it gets completely dark.
You can think about Penny, how she died, and Bryan and the plan to find his
remains later. Maybe you can even clean it up later tonight. It’s not like
you’ll have anything else to do other than read a book and sleep after it gets
dark. She drew a deep breath and
turned her attention to the wood stove.
Log
and kindling loaded into the stove, she struck a match, then sat back on her
heels and watched it take hold, crackling and popping as it began to draw. Her
skin prickled on her arms, and she looked around the room, almost as if
expecting to see something watching from the shadows. Stop that, she told herself. You
already checked everything. Go get wood before the temperature drops more. She rose to her feet and went back into the
deepening twilight, taking a pair of old wooden snowshoes from the rack next to
the door and clicked on her headlamp. She made her way around the to the
woodshed on the south side of the lodge, dragging her sled again. She loaded it
with wood twice, floundering in the deep snow. She paused once or twice in her
work, certain she heard a noise coming up the trail. But all she could hear
when she focused was a distant howl of a wolf, or the light breeze rustling
through the forest. Otherwise all was still.
She deposited one load of wood next to the fireplace, then the other load just outside the door to the cabin. She filled buckets with snow and set them on and around the stove to melt. Then she went back out onto the porch, hanging the snowshoes on a hook outside. She glanced around one more time at the empty clearing around the cabin, the woods were nearly completely dark, faint stars beginning to twinkle in the clear cold night above. The antique Coca-cola thermometer next to the door already read 25 below by the light of her headlamp.
Damn, it’s going to be chilly tonight, and it’s not even six o’clock yet.
She
went back inside and bolted the heavy wooden door behind her. She pulled off
her face mask and goggles then her parka and snow pants hung them all on the
sturdy hooks next to the front door. She readjusted her belt with her pistol
over her fleece pants. She yanked off her boots and pulled a pair of thick
socks from her pack along with a clean dry T-shirt and sweater.
I
really need to get out of these sweaty clothes, she thought, shivering in the still chilly cabin.
The fire had warmed things substantially, and her pots of water were melting,
but still cold. I really want to wash up before I put on a clean sweater.
She crouched down to throw a few more logs into the stove and paused, hair
rising on the back of her neck.
There
is a noise coming up the trail, she
realized. She dropped her hand to her pistol at her
waist and glanced at the front window the Lodge, still covered in boards and
plywood. Why didn’t I think to remove the
boards? Her heart pounded faster as the pounding, sliding and heavy
breathing got closer. Hand shaking, she pulled her pistol as heavy footsteps
thumped against the wooden porch and the doorknob twitched.
“Who’s
there?” she shouted. “Identify yourself!”
“Open
up, Rosamund. It’s me, Ulrik.” A deep voice bellowed.
She
re-holstered her pistol and sprinted to the door, hands trembling as she rushed
to unbolt it. Ulrik stood on the threshold, stomping the snow off his heavy
winter boots. His two hulking malamutes sniffed the air behind him as they
wandered the clearing, investigating scents in the snow. She stepped back, heart
fluttering, breath coming fast now as she gazed up at the mountain of a man, gray-brown
eyes blazing as he looked her over through his winter gear. She backed toward
the bed platform, crossing her arms over her chest. He threw back his hood and
tore off his face mask.
“What
the hell do you think you’re doing, girl?” Coming all the way out here?
Alone? This time of year?” He shouted, hands on his hips. His tanned high
cheek bones flushed.
Her
heart sunk at his words. Then her pride flared at the implication in his
comments. Putting one hand on her hip she poked the air with the other.
“What
you mean? You say that like I’m clueless. I’m just as capable in the backcountry
as you are. Hell, you taught me everything I know.” She shouted back. “I
have my pistol. I can defend myself against any predator, four-legged or
two-legged.”
Ulrik
caught his breath at her retort, taking in her flashing hazel eyes and golden
hair in front of the fire as she stood her ground, defiant. “I–I’m sorry.
You’re right. I sometimes forget you’re not like the other women I’ve known, Little
Bird.” He said running his hands through his thick black hair. She pursed
her lips and her porcelain skin flushed a deep rose at the use of his personal
nickname for her.
His
blood ran cold and his hair rose on the back of his neck as a pair of yellow
eyes blinked on the dark bed platform behind her.
“Rosamunde,”
he said dropping his voice and easing his rifle off his shoulder. “Don’t
move. Stay perfectly still.”
Her
pretty hazel eyes widened, but she froze in place. He closed the distance with
a steady slow stride as his eyes adjusted to the dim light. He could now make
out a shape in the sleeping alcove behind her, crouched in the shadows. He
placed his rifle over her left shoulder, aiming for where the baleful eyes
still blinked out of the dark recess.
“When
I count to three, drop to the ground, pull your pistol, okay?” He mouthed,
gazing directly into her eyes. She blinked twice while her full coral lips formed
the word “okay” in return.
One…Two…Three
Hope you enjoyed the beginning of my little story. My next blog post will be the legend for which this post is based, and some of the background information on this region of Alaska. Thanks for reading and stay tuned.
As fall pushes to winter here in Alaska, the days grow rapidly shorter. When I go to work in the mornings, it is already dark. When I come home it’s dark yet again. On the shortest day of the year in Anchorage, we’ll get a little over 5 hours of weak sun in the Anchorage bowl. In Prudhoe Bay, the sun sets around November 20th for the last time, and won’t rise again until late January.
This is the time of year that we hunker down and make plans for next summer. My husband and I spend lots of time sitting in front of the fire, drinking wine and reading.
Growing up I spent a lot of time reading. As mentioned in a previous blog post, I grew up in the Mojave Desert, so going outside during the worst part of the day was out of the question. We were trapped indoors during summer vacation. My family wasn’t very well off, so for entertainment (and to keep herself sane), my mother would take us to the public library to pick out books, because she didn’t want us sitting around watching T.V. all day. My mom mandated that we had to pick out at least 3 books. The maximum we could check out per the library rules was ten.
I spent a lot of time in my room growing up, reading and writing. For whatever reason, I really loved to read fairy tales, myths and legends. I can’t count how many times I checked out the Lang’s Fairy Books.
The Blue Fairy book was possibly my favorite. As I grew older, I moved on to darker more complex tales. As I wrote in my blog post about my obsession with Stephen King, I remember sneaking copies of Carrie and Christine under the Blue Fairy book, Sweet Valley High and Nancy Drew so my mom wouldn’t catch me–but that’s a whole other blog.
I also loved to tell tales. My family would often go night fishing out at the California Aqueduct or the small artificial lake just outside of town (don’t ask what they caught out of LA’s drinking water supply, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction). After being ordered by our parents to “go away and play.” We would find a quiet spot out in the desert and tell “ghost stories.” I can proudly say that I was often requested to tell my stories over and over, sitting under the blanket of the summer night with a flashlight, telling made up tales of gore that were based on what I had read and learned. I was too young to understand that I was memorizing archetypes and story arch’s: good vs evil, hero vs villain, maiden vs crone, whore vs virgin. I learned all of that later as I read more and more.
This is why I am particularly excited about Kyanite Publishing’s upcoming winter Digest.
The promised offering is a collection of modern fairy tales and fables. I learned about it from an author I follow on Twitter, Hanson Oak, who is going to be featured in this publication. Side note: If you enjoy well written horror and noir tales, he’s definitely and author to follow:
So as I look forward to receiving my copy and reading it by my fire during the darkest part of the Alaska winter nights, I think back to what attracted my to fairy tales to begin with.
The question is, what is a fairy tale, and is it really different from a myth or legend? We know that certain archetypes, like the ones I mentioned, permeated our myths, legends, oral tales and cultures. They evolve with us over time, blending and molding as society changes.
A book I read a few years back illustrated this in what I felt was a very clean and clear-cut way. It utilized one of what most people consider to be the simplest of all of the “fairy tales”: Little Red Riding Hood.
“Today we approach fairy tales with a false sense of their simplicity. Unlike myth or legend which concern the sacred, the miraculous and the heroic, fairy tales are devoted to the mundane: the drama of domestic life, of children and courtship and coming of age. The are not “true”; indeed to tell a tale also means to lie. Thus they seem inconsequential. We believe we outgrow them. Nonetheless, fairy tales provide a unique window into our most central concerns, our sense of social and cultural identity, who we think we are (or should be)–and how we change.”
Little Red Riding Hood Uncloaked, Catherine Orenstein, 2002
While I never really outgrew the Blue Fairy book, I recognized those tales as they wove through other plots and fictions. I love Gregory Maguire’s retellings of both Snow White and Cinderella putting twists and contexts of history and morality on the characters. Another favorite of mine is the Troll Bridge from Snow White, Blood Red; and anthology of darker tales.
I know I will never outgrow the tales I read (and wrote). I can still see the storylines and ghosts in the stories that I write now. I can’t wait until my new book shows up in December. Will the authors turn old tales on their heads? Or will they re-tell an old story, archetype in a new and compelling way? Can’t wait to find out.
Sitting here in this hotel room by the ocean, the waves are crashing violently against the spit outside. It’s funny, we planned this little stay-cation because the weather was predicted to be pleasant and calm, but that’s Alaska for you. A storm moving up the Prince William sound is pushing high wind into Homer where we are.
I have always loved the sound of the ocean, in all of its moods, as I sit here listening to it tonight, I am trying to decide exactly what to blog about. My mind is a jumble of thoughts about the past. Partly, because I saw my primary care doctor this week and she ordered a whole new slew of tests that I will have to grit my teeth through, partly because I have an appointment with my neurologist later this week, and she’ll order a complete battery of tests and medications to go with it, and then mostly because I am rapidly approaching another milestone. Here in a few weeks, it will be 18 years since I packed my car, said good bye to friends and made the long, lonely journey back to California after being medically retired from the Navy.
It was possibly one of the biggest mistakes I made after getting diagnosed with MS, trying to go back home. All of the reasons that Ileft in the first place were still there waiting to for me. Ever the optimist, I thought it would be different for some reason. The only thing that was different was me.
Still I made the drive. It was early December. Given the time of year, the uncertainty in the weather, and the fact that I was makingthe drive alone, I decided to take the southern route home. I drove south from Charleston to Jacksonville, stayed the night then hit 1-10. I stayed two nights in New Orleans, drove from New Orleans to San Antonio, San Antonio to Phoenix, then Phoenix to Victorville.
While I moved back in with my parents, there really wasn’t any place for me at their house. I was sleeping on the couch and trying to manage a chronic medical condition with no real support. Meanwhile I was still in denial that anything was truly wrong with me.
Desperate to escape from Victorville and get away I applied
for jobs immediately after the New Years. I was offered a job in Seattle, WA as
a field electrical engineer. I had always wanted to see Seattle. Before I got diagnosed with MS, my orders
were for the Lincoln out of Everette, WA. I eagerly signed to start in late
January and packed my car once more. For the first time in months, I felt hope.
I was going somewhere, anywhere but here.
My little red Hyundai loaded and ready, I put it in drive once more and pointed it north for a new adventure.
I decided to take a break from writing on this clear cold autumn day to get out and enjoy the beautiful Alaska fall weather. For those of you who follow me regularly, you may be wondering why we aren’t headed out to the cabin. Well, unfortunately, the road to the cabin is closed for the year. We’re busily making our plans for next March, but for this winter, we’ll enjoy activities closer to home.
We decided since the weather was so nice, as previously mentioned, clear and cold, to head down to the small ski town of Girdwood for a hike. We’ve gotten out first snowfall here in south-central Alaska, but it’s not very deep. We wanted to get one last hike in before it’s time to break out the snowshoes and cross country skis. It’s also fall, so the daylight is fading fast. Between now and the winter solstice, we’ll be losing light everyday at a rapid pace.
We drove along the Turnagain Arm (as seen in the above picture). This is a great place to see the bore tide, or to see beluga whales. Directly across the arm (right where the sun is shining), is the small gold rush town of Hope. Both Girdwood and Hope have been inspirations for some of my stories.
We wanted to hike the Winner’s Creek Trail. In the summers, this is a popular hike. It connects from the Alyeska Resort property to the Crow Creek Pass Trail. This trail is part of the original Iditarod heritage trail. For hard-core marathoners, the Crow Creek Pass Marathon is one of the toughest.
When the snow gets a little deeper, we plan on coming back out and exploring some of the cross-country ski trails or snow show trails, but while the snow is still shallow, this was an easy trail with just hiking shoes and poles. At times it was slick and treacherous, as it was hard-packed and icy.
My husband and I truly enjoy disconnecting from the world. This trail is approximately forty-five minutes from Anchorage, but as you can see from the pictures, you feel like you’re in a different world.
As you walk along and soak in the surroundings, you notice more and more details. Animal tracks in the snow pop out at you. This bear has wandered along sometime ago.
I’ve lived in Alaska now for 12 years. Each season has its unique beauty. A different faucet to enjoy, if you just get out and give it a chance. Yes, sometimes that does mean experiencing a little discomfort. I promise it’s worth it.
“I love tourists! I can tell them ANYTHING and they believe me.” -Toad, Chicken, AK to my husband Ray
In honor of mine and DK’s upcoming collaboration, I thought I would re-post this little segment on one of the more colorful characters of Chicken, Toad, plus a little history.
We constantly get asked why did we pick Chicken Alaska to build a cabin? A few people who know something about Alaska immediately ask if we mine for gold. Our answer is typically, no, we watch other people lose money mining for gold.
A misconception is that gold was found in Chicken as part of the Bonanza Gold Rush in the Klondike. In reality, gold was found in Franklin Creek in the Forty Mile River (near what would later be called Chicken) in 1886. In 1891, gold was found in Chicken Creek. On August 17th, 1896 the Bonanza Gold was discovered south of what is now Dawson City in the Yukon. Gold was being mined for almost ten years in the region before the big strike.
In 1902, Chicken became the second legally incorporated city in the interior district of Alaska (Alaska would not become a State until 1957). Purportedly, they named it Chicken because of the abundance of ptarmigan in the region. They wanted to name it ptarmigan, but could not agree on the spelling, so they decided to name it Chicken instead.
The purpose of this post is not a history lesson but to share some of the stories of the colorful characters who inhabit Chicken year-round. The state stops maintaining the road October 15th. Per the 2010 census 10 people still lived out there the whole year. But we know from talking to our friends only about six remain.
One of those characters who has since left was Toad. If you follow my tweets at all, he was one of the last people to work for Fairbanks Exploration before they closed down operations in the 1960’s. They literally shutdown in the fall, thinking they would come back, but due to declining gold prices and increasing cost of operation, they never returned. Several of their dredges remain scattered throughout the state. The picture at the top of this blog is the “Lost Chicken Dredge” The picture below is the Pedro Dredge, which you can tour at the Chicken Gold Camp in Chicken.
They paid Toad for quite a few years to stay on as a caretaker in Chicken, believing they would come back. They never did.
Eventually Toad moved to his own place eight miles off the Taylor Highway and stayed out there alone until he was in his mid eighties. My husband would send him cigars and chat with him at the bar. The cook at the café insisted the man was secretly DB Cooper, since he always paid in $20, $50 and $100 dollar bills from the 1960’s and 70’s.
Last year, he finally decided he’d had enough and moved to the “big town” of Tok.
Thanks for reading! This week’s prompt will be the word heat, or lack thereof. Some people always assume the interior of Alaska is cold. The record low for Chicken is -79. But in the summer it can hit over 90 degrees. What heat will our characters experience as it gets closer to the solstice?
Judging from last week, things are about to get crazy.
I am pretty excited and a little nervous. I have applied to present a story live on September 11 in Arctic Entries, Alaska’s version of the Moth. I’ll have seven minutes to tell a story. The theme is “Milepost 1: Hitting the Road, Starting Fresh, Finding Your Way Home.” So I decided I would talk about my first night of boot camp.
So I decided I wanted to see the world so I joined the Navy’s Nuclear Power Program. Eventually this led me to Alaska, but I had some colorful adventures along the way. This blog post will specifically be about that first night in boot camp.
I remember standing on the curb after I got off the bus feeling a little lost. In the movies there’s always a lot of screaming and running, right? There was for the guys. Not so much for me. Maybe because I was the only girl on the bus. Really the only girl. They took all the guys off, yelling at them and left me standing alone on the curb clutching my duffle bag. After a few minutes a very pregnant RDC (Recruit Division Commander) waddles up to me and motions me to follow her.
She leads me into this giant room about the size of 4 basketball courts put together and has me start filling out paperwork. This room was partitioned into four sections filled with desks (about 80 desks each). The other sections were filled with guys. I was the only person in my section.
As you can guess, some of the guys were staring at me, sitting by myself. One of the male RDC’s proceeds to scream at them:
You will not look at that female. That female does not exist to you.
AWKWARD!
If you haven’t guessed, I am starting to get a picture of what my naval career is going to be like, and it ain’t pretty.
So there I sit, for several hours. By midnight there were a total of six of us and that was all they were going to get that night. So they finally decided to walk us to our barracks by one am. As soon as we got there, one girl immediately went into the head and started puking. They rest of us began to settle in. We were interrupted by a Chief who came in and told us they had put us in the wrong compartment and we needed to move. Discouraged, we began to grab our bags.
“You.” He said to me. “Go in and get her.” He pointed to the head. “Don’t worry about cleaning it up, just bring her out.”
I go into the head. You know you learn a lot of things in the military. But I think the biggest is compassion. I have never felt more empathy for another person in my life as I did that night.
She had puked all over the walls, the stall, the floor. Everywhere but the toilet. She kneeled on the floor, sobbing. She had a little wad of tissue, and she was trying to clean it up.
I shook her by the shoulder. “Hey, we gotta’ go. They put us in the wrong compartment.”
“I have to clean this up.” She sobbed.
“No, it’s cool. He said you didn’t have to. We can just go.”
I helped her to the sink and cleaned her up. Then we went to the other compartment. I sank into my rack at about 2 am. Reveille was at 3. Welcome to Great Lakes!
It’s funny, when I started my website and built my blog page, it showed me how I could build categories. At first, I kind of chuckled to myself. Categories? Why do I need categories for random thoughts? Now that I am a few blogs in, I can now see some categories starting to evolve even without my intention to create them. This blog kind of straddles the Navy category and my current job.
Summers in Prudhoe Bay can have the few random nice days, but for the most part they are cool and wet. This precipitation leads to soft, wash boarded roads and treacherous, slow driving conditions.
The morning I wrote this post, I read the roads and pads report and sighed. It rained yesterday and is projected to rain again. Roads are going to be a sloppy, slow slog of wash-boarded gravel. The speed limit on almost all the roads according to the report has been dropped to 15 MPH, and I needed to drive across the field. As I got ready for work, I thought to myself, Today I need to wear the good sports bra.
Trust me, driving 20 to 30 miles over wash boarded roads is no fun, especially when certain body parts jiggle more than one would like. I realized that most of my co-workers probably don’t worry about this. It is neither a good or bad thing, it is just a fact. Most of the people who work up here are men. We women are a slim minority. Most of the women who work in Prudhoe Bay are housekeepers or admins. The few female technicians, operators and engineers are a tiny fraction of the overall workforce.
It made me think of a time in the Navy where I was asked a question about women’s underwear.
It was back in 1998. I had been picked up as a staff instructor and I was the only female staff member on crew at the time. On this day, I was standing watch as electrical operator, watching the board and taking logs. The hum of the HVAC unit and the conversation between myself and the reactor operator was suddenly broken by the curtain for maneuvering drawing back and the Engineering Watch Supervisor poking his head in and shouting, “Request permission to enter and speak to the Electrical Operator.”
The watch office granted permission without looking up from his logs. I however, looked up to see the entire watch team outside the door, peering in eagerly, staring at me.
My first thought was, “What fresh hell is this?”
He squeezed into the small room and even before making it to my bench he shouted, “Nipper (that was my maiden name), can women wear thongs in the Navy?”
Taken aback, my first response was something along the lines of “Hell if I know?” Then, “Why are you asking me?”
He was more than happy to oblige. One of our female students had put on a lot of weight since she joined the Navy. Sometimes it happens, especially in the Nuke program where you are parked on your backside for hours on end studying. She had become so much over weight that her uniforms no longer fit. Now if you have never been in the military, your uniform is supposed to look a certain way. Her supervisor, sensitive to her feelings told her she needed to purchase new uniforms because her old ones were no longer suitable, but he did not exactly tell her why.
Well, as I know some women do when they purchase a prom dress or a special occasion dress, this young sailor decided to buy her uniforms a size smaller to motivate herself to lose weight. While I can understand her logic, it backfired, literally. Unfortunately, while performing her duties, the seams of her pants across her backside did not survive the activity. They split down her rather ample backside. When she went to her supervisor and showed him her predicament he told her to go home and change. For some reason, though she had permission to go home, she decided to ask the Watch Supervisor what she should do.
Being a rather seasoned sailor, he advised her, “Just put some duct tape over it, you’ll be fine now, No one will notice.”
“I can’t, I’m wearing a thong,” was her reply, to which he responded by ordering her to go home and change, then running to where I was on watch to ask his question.
Just so you know this really blew their minds/freaked them out. Women can wear sexy underwear under their uniforms? Oh My God!!!!!! Personally, I kept it pretty comfy. Dungarees are uncomfortable enough. Granny panties all the way, but I digress.
Being the only female staff on crew, I was considered to be the font of knowledge on all things female. We looked it up. At least in the regulations at the time, it did not call out what type of underwear you could wear, just that you wear them. Believe it or not, it did specify color: white or skin tone under white uniforms, and any color under other uniforms.
So yes, we determined it was perfectly acceptable for women to wear thongs in the Navy.
I have thought about this often over the years. How much effort emphasis we women put into dressing and looking a certain way, even down to choosing just the right underwear under a garment, because heaven forbid people see a panty or bra line and know, gulp: we’re wearing underwear! OMG!
While sure, men worry about looking neat, professional, and presentable, they do not obsess over it the way we do. The interesting thing I have learned, working around men for so many years, most of them do not notice our efforts at all. Sure, my husband notices when I dress nice, but we dress and look a certain way because the fashion industry says it is important, other women say it is important. But most of the guys I work with? I really don’t think they care.
Thanks for reading, and I hope your underwear is comfy and soft today.
Heads up, abuse survivors, possible triggers ahead.
“I like to keep my towels like that, and my pantry. This guy and I have a lot in common.” My boyfriend said as he unpaused the movie.
The movie in question was Sleeping With the Enemy. Julia Robert’s character is trying to make sure the towels in the bathroom are meticulously lined up, and the cans in the pantry are stacked with the labels outward. At the time I justified his comment with an excuse, like I did so many others:
He’s just kidding.
He’s really not like that guy.
He just likes things really neat.
What I am about to say next may be glaringly obvious at this point, but let me spell it out incase you are really naïve like I was:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER MAKES A COMMENT LIKE THAT, RUN LIKE HELL
Why am I sharing this tidbit? I want to pass on something I learned from my own bad relationships. What is obvious to someone on the outside looking in, it not so clear to the person being abused. especially when they have been groomed and conditioned to believe it is what they deserve.
But why didn’t she just leave?
I am not excusing myself. I recognize now it the low-self esteem and choices that led me to this particular guy. But where did these behaviors stem from? They stemmed from abuse in my past, and inability to confront and manage what I had been through. I couldn’t see myself as a victim, I blamed myself, what happened to me was somehow my fault. I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I had to be something better, to constantly please in order to be worthy of love.
May as well have put a GPS beacon on my head for guys like him. They hone right in on that.
Back to the show. Those redflag comments weren’t the only behavior I excused. Being much younger and naïve, I really thought this was how it worked. This was my first “real” relationship, and he was the first guy who “really” loved me. Or so he convinced me at first. He definitely knew how to dangle that carrot, always just slightly out of reach.
You shouldn’t wear those pants, they make you look fat
That dress is too short for you, it makes you look slutty
(Longer dress) The other one looked better, now you look dowdy
I’m just trying to help you look classy
You should dye your hair blonde, brown makes you look washed out
That’s too blonde, you look like a rock groupie/tramp
You shouldn’t drink while you are out with friends, some guy might try to sleep with you
Are you really going to eat all that? You should probably go to the gym tomorrow
Don’t lose weight, I love how curvy you are
These statements were often countered with presents, roses, jewelry, a nice dinner, or a new outfit (he had better taste, of course).
Over time, I realized nothing I did pleased him. And let’s not even talk about sex or affection. It was my inadequacy in the bedroom that caused my lack of satisfaction (according to him).
It slowly escalated into screaming matches. Belittling me for wanting to have a social life, isolating me from friends, family, and co-workers. But it all came to a head when he wanted me to move in with him. we could never find a place that quite please him, so I said we should hold off on moving in together. In hindsight, he wanted me to move in with him so he could wield the ultimate control over me. Not too much later we had the following conversation. Part of me wishes I could forget it, but at the same time it was the most liberating conversation I ever had.
ME: I NOTICED THAT WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU LATELY, YOU DON’T SAY IT BACK
HIM: WELL, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, IT’S NOT JUST THAT I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, I NEVER REALLY DID. I WAS JUST SAYING IT TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE, AND NOW IT’S JUST NOT CONVENIENT ANYMORE
ME: WAIT, YOU’VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH ME?
HIM: NO, IT WASN’T A LIE (in other words, how dare I call him a liar) I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME, BUT YOU…
SOMETHING INSIDE ME SNAPPED. I STOPPED LISTENING, INSIDE I WAS FUMING. I DIDN’T EVEN CRY
ME: I GUESS THAT’S ALL I NEED TO KNOW THEN. IT’S OVER.
HIM: YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME? YOU CAN’T BREAK UP WITH ME. WE DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP OVER THIS
I reiterated that it was over and got off the phone. Flash forward to my next day off. It just so happened that my dishwasher was leaking, and the maintenance guy was in my apartment repairing it. My ex-boyfriend didn’t realize he had a witness to his attempt to “win” (force) me back. The encounter in my apartment was unnerving, but par for the course for my interactions with him. When the maintenance guy made his presence known, my ex bailed.
The guy repairing my dishwasher asked me if I needed him to call the cops.
This was an eye opener for me. Another person witnessing his antics and letting me know that was not normal helped me resist going back. My ex had me convinced the whole time that his behaviors were my fault, and if I had only done what he wanted everything would be great. That summed up our whole relationship. I told some of my friends what had been occurring as the break-up unraveled, and they were shocked and angered. But never at any point did I think I was being abused, not until it was over. I shudder sometimes at my lucky/narrow escape.
I did a lot of soul searching after that break-up. I would love to tell you that I never dated another abusive jerk, and I took my new-found self-esteem and conquered the world and instantly found true love, just like in a Hollywood movie.
But life is not like a movie, and our brains are often wired to repeat old embedded patterns. But what I can tell you is that with a lot of help, time, friends, support, therapy, and self-reflection, and even some other mistakes (but that will be another blog post) I did start to recognize the patterns I was creating, and I changed them for the better. I came to realize the things in my past that were not my fault to begin with did not devalue me or make me less of a person. When I finally recognized myself as an amazing person, I started having healthy relationships and the life I truly deserved.