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Why Didn’t She Leave? My Version

Heads up, abuse survivors, possible triggers ahead.

“I like to keep my towels like that, and my pantry.  This guy and I have a lot in common.”  My boyfriend said as he unpaused the movie.

The movie in question was Sleeping With the Enemy.  Julia Robert’s character is trying to make sure the towels in the bathroom are meticulously lined up, and the cans in the pantry are stacked with the labels outward.  At the time I justified his comment with an excuse, like I did so many others:

He’s just kidding.

He’s really not like that guy. 

He just likes things really neat.

What I am about to say next may be glaringly obvious at this point, but let me spell it out incase you are really naïve like I was:

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER MAKES A COMMENT LIKE THAT, RUN LIKE HELL

Why am I sharing this tidbit?  I want to pass on something I learned from my own bad relationships.  What is obvious to someone on the outside looking in, it not so clear to the person being abused.  especially when they have been groomed and conditioned to believe it is what they deserve.

But why didn’t she just leave?

I am not excusing myself.  I recognize now it the low-self esteem and choices that led me to this particular guy.  But where did these behaviors stem from?  They stemmed from abuse in my past, and inability to confront and manage what I had been through.  I couldn’t see myself as a victim, I blamed myself, what happened to me was somehow my fault.  I wasn’t good enough.  I felt like I had to be something better, to constantly please in order to be worthy of love.

May as well have put a GPS beacon on my head for guys like him.  They hone right in on that.

Back to the show.  Those redflag comments weren’t the only behavior I excused.  Being much younger and naïve, I really thought this was how it worked.  This was my first “real” relationship, and he was the first guy who “really” loved me. Or so he convinced me at first.  He definitely knew how to dangle that carrot, always just slightly out of reach.

You shouldn’t wear those pants, they make you look fat

That dress is too short for you, it makes you look slutty

(Longer dress) The other one looked better, now you look dowdy

I’m just trying to help you look classy

You should dye your hair blonde, brown makes you look washed out

That’s too blonde, you look like a rock groupie/tramp

You shouldn’t drink while you are out with friends, some guy might try to sleep with you

Are you really going to eat all that? You should probably go to the gym tomorrow

Don’t lose weight, I love how curvy you are

These statements were often countered with presents, roses, jewelry, a nice dinner, or a new outfit (he had better taste, of course).

Over time, I realized nothing I did pleased him.  And let’s not even talk about sex or affection.  It was my inadequacy in the bedroom that caused my lack of satisfaction (according to him).

It slowly escalated into screaming matches.  Belittling me for wanting to have a social life, isolating me from friends, family, and co-workers.  But it all came to a head when he wanted me to move in with him.  we could never find a place that quite please him, so I said we should hold off on moving in together.  In hindsight, he wanted me to move in with him so he could wield the ultimate control over me.  Not too much later we had the following conversation.  Part of me wishes I could forget it, but at the same time it was the most liberating conversation I ever had.

ME: I NOTICED THAT WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU LATELY, YOU DON’T SAY IT BACK

HIM: WELL, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, IT’S NOT JUST THAT I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, I NEVER REALLY DID.  I WAS JUST SAYING IT TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE, AND NOW IT’S JUST NOT CONVENIENT ANYMORE

ME:  WAIT, YOU’VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH ME?

HIM: NO, IT WASN’T A LIE (in other words, how dare I call him a liar)  I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME, BUT YOU…

SOMETHING INSIDE ME SNAPPED.  I STOPPED LISTENING, INSIDE I WAS FUMING.  I DIDN’T EVEN CRY

ME: I GUESS THAT’S ALL I NEED TO KNOW THEN. IT’S OVER.

HIM: YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?  YOU CAN’T BREAK UP WITH ME. WE DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP OVER THIS

I reiterated that it was over and got off the phone.  Flash forward to my next day off.  It just so happened that my dishwasher was leaking, and the maintenance guy was in my apartment repairing it.  My ex-boyfriend didn’t realize he had a witness to his attempt to “win” (force) me back.  The encounter in my apartment was unnerving, but par for the course for my interactions with him.  When the maintenance guy made his presence known, my ex bailed. 

The guy repairing my dishwasher asked me if I needed him to call the cops. 

This was an eye opener for me.  Another person witnessing his antics and letting me know that was not normal helped me resist going back.  My ex had me convinced the whole time that his behaviors were my fault, and if I had only done what he wanted everything would be great.  That summed up our whole relationship.  I told some of my friends what had been occurring as the break-up unraveled, and they were shocked and angered.  But never at any point did I think I was being abused, not until it was over.  I shudder sometimes at my lucky/narrow escape.

I did a lot of soul searching after that break-up.  I would love to tell you that I never dated another abusive jerk, and I took my new-found self-esteem and conquered the world and instantly found true love, just like in a Hollywood movie. 

But life is not like a movie, and our brains are often wired to repeat old embedded patterns.  But what I can tell you is that with a lot of help, time, friends, support, therapy, and self-reflection, and even some other mistakes (but that will be another blog post) I did start to recognize the patterns I was creating, and I changed them for the better.  I came to realize the things in my past that were not my fault to begin with did not devalue me or make me less of a person.  When I finally recognized myself as an amazing person, I started having healthy relationships and the life I truly deserved.

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STEM Ambassador Talk

Me in Azerbaijan at the Temple of the Eternal Flame as part of a work trip in 2007

 

This week I am preparing to talk to a group of high school students at a summer camp about opportunities in engineering.  The technical focus of my topic going to revolve around my work with drones, but after reading the headlines this week, I am actually going to talk about something even deeper.

 

The Number of Female Chief Executives is Falling

                Claire Cain Miller, New York Times, May 23, 2018

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/23/upshot/why-the-number-of-female-chief-executives-is-falling.html

While I am on the engineering side of the fence, I agree with what she says in the article.  I have seen it throughout my own career as a technician, operator and engineer.  Yes, there are biases against women in the workplace, and many of them are not just because of their own choice, but because of perceptions on behalf of those in management above them.  The article is well worth the read, but I would like to speak to another issue the article misses.  Something more systemic that I see in society and new interns that I work with.  And it was summed up well in an article from the Chicago Tribune.

 

Teenagers may be losing interest in STEM careers, but the know they need tech skills to land a job

                Ally Marotti, Chicago Tribune, June 6, 2018

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/ct-biz-teen-girls-stem-career-ambitions-20180606-story.html

 

The crux of this article is that many young people use technology constantly, but they don’t see themselves as a part of it.  They don’t see the exciting career opportunities that may be available to them.  Let’s face it.  How are engineers portrayed but the media?  Boring, geeks in ties.

THIS IS WHY I AM A STEM AMBASSADOR

I think the answer is that more of us need to get out there and show these people the possibilities.  The world it is changing.  And while there is a lot of negativity out there, I believe it is changing for the better, if we can catch people and show them the limitless possibilities then we can energize them to want to struggle against the negative connotations associated with rising to the top.  We need to show them that engineering is more than sitting behind a desk and crunching numbers.  We need to show them that being a CEO is more than wearing a suit and saying, “You’re fired.”  If people cannot see where they would fit in leading a company or being an engineer, why should they want to fight for it in the first place?  Why should they put up with the sexual harassment, the discrimination, the lack of respect if they can’t see a positive side to it?

The more people with integrity, intelligence and vision that we can inspire to lead the world, the better the world will be.

Hiking in New Mexico. It is good to get away!

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Feed the Birds

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The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college I lived in the Capitol Hill area of Seattle, in anticipation of starting at Seattle U in the fall.  Meanwhile I worked at the Federal Building downtown for the Vietnam Vets of America.  I was also taking some classes I needed at University of Washington.  Translation, I became a master of bus schedules that summer, riding the bus all over Seattle, with the bonus of a leg in a walking cast.

I immensely enjoyed my time spent riding the buses in the pleasant summer weather.  I would use the time to read some of my assignments, but often, I found myself people watching. One particular gentleman stood out from the rest.  People gave the tall muscular African-American man a wide berth.  He often sat alone on the bus, and though I never saw him harass or bother anyone, he talked to himself, mumbling obscenities while he listened to his headset.  He dressed neatly, often wearing shorts and a tank top, along with white tennis shoes and socks, the anti-thesis to some of the other people who rode the bus.  Whenever he got on the bus, he would drag a small carry-on suitcase with an igloo cooler bungeed to the top.  I would often wonder what was in the luggage he dragged all over Seattle.  I never imagined curiosity would be satisfied, nor would I have dreamed up what was actually in the cooler, either.

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It was a warm, sunny day and due to a doctor’s appointment, because of the aforementioned cast, I had taken a different bus line than usual, and I was now waiting to catch my bus up Capitol Hill to go home.  I remember looking up at the clear sunny sky, and then at the parking lot nearby full of high-end cars and thinking to myself how strange it was, there seemed to be so many birds hanging around.  Literally hundreds of seagulls, pigeons, and even ravens sat on walls, light poles and even on the top of the building of this one bank parking lot.  Shrugging and looking up, I saw a bus coming, but it was not mine.  Mine was the number 10.  I sat back down on the bus stop bench, as my ankle throbbed horribly in the walking cast after the session with the doctor.  Thankfully I would only have to wear it for another month, the break was slowly healing after six months.  I looked up in surprise as the gentleman with the cooler climbed off the bus, usual luggage in tow.

Without acknowledging me on the bench, he lugged his suitcase and cooler to the driveway of the parking lot.  The birds immediately swarmed at his appearance.  He opened the cooler, reaching in and pulling out bags of bread and bird seed.  He threw it into the parking lot, on top of all the nice cars, all the while shouting the obscenities he usually (I’m presuming) muttered only under his breath.  The birds eagerly gobbled up the offering, in the process defecating all over the vehicles in the lot.  He did this for several minutes, unloading a few bags of bread and bird seed, then he closed his cooler, re-strapped it to the suitcase and waited for the bus which now approached.  We both got on the bus, and he resumed his normal continence of sitting quietly and muttering to himself while listening to his music.

Admittedly, all I could think of was the lady from the Mary Poppins movie, singing, “Feed the Birds.”

 

From then on, whenever I saw him on the bus, I couldn’t help but smile.  While I am certain the people who owned the cars in the parking lot didn’t appreciate his antics, that had to be one of the funniest, clever things I had ever witnessed.  I often wondered what other places he visited and fed the birds, and why he did it.  I will probably never know.

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Back to the Start

Deep breath, then start typing.  Normally, I write everything on notepads, then I transfer it onto a computer.  A little clunky, I know.  This will be an interesting experiment for me as I start trying to put my random thoughts out there for all to see.  I have always enjoyed reading and writing, but I never really thought much about getting published or whether anyone would like to read what I wrote.  A few years back, I read an incredibly terribly written novel, and I thought, if she can get published, why not me?

I read other books and realized how few of the female protagonists I could truly relate to.  I have been working as either a technician, operator, or an engineer for over 20 years now, and I don’t need a study to tell me there are not many women in STEM careers.  Therefore, there are not many women in books in STEM careers either.  I decided I would try to write some romance and action stories about the female characters I would like to read about.  For better or worse, here is my best attempt.

Meanwhile, I will use this blog to explain a little about how I got to this point.  How did I end up so far from where I started?

It started with the desire to get the heck out of a small town called Victorville, CA.