Tag: #chronicillness

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Ripping the Bandage off Quickly: My 30-Day Space Available Adventure, Part 5

Day trip to Savannah, GA: Contemplation…

Since it was the last day I would have my rental car, I took a day trip down the highway to Savannah, GA one of my favorite places. I walked the riverfront and the old squares of the antebellum city. I always admired the way the Spanish moss hung on the stately live oaks. I drove the coastal highway out to Tybee Island. All the while, my mind churned over what I was going to tell Jake that night at dinner.

Lighthouse on Tybee Island, near Savannah, GA

By the time I made the long drive back up to Charleston, I knew what I was going to say.

Inflection Point

I think everyone in life has multiple forks in the road, or in my case, what I like to think of as inflection points. This was one for me. I was twenty-five years old, and had a series of less than fulfilling relationships under my belt, to say the least. I often attracted what was broken in me, clinging to relationships that weren’t working because I desperately wanted to be with someone. I felt that having a chronic illness made me in adequate to be loved.

This time, as much as I cared for Jake and he cared for me, I saw that this was not going to fulfil what I wanted and needed in life. I needed more than just a relationship with someone. I needed the right one who could support my goals and dreams. To cling to Jake and what we had, no matter how good it felt at the time, would be selfish. So I let go honestly and fully.

That night when I got back to his place and we talked, I told him I was never planning on moving back to Charleston.

I wouldn’t realize it for a long time after, but in that moment, I began to grow up.

Jake took it well. At the same time, for the rest of my stay there was a distance between us. The easy, carefree connection vanished. We made love a few more times, but it wasn’t the same. The painfulness of goodbye stole the magic.

Farewell Party

The weekend before I left, we attended a party hosted by some of his coworkers. Jake and his roommate played in the band. They covered rock classics like Watchtower by Hendrix and Whiteroom by Cream. I tend to be a wall flower in general, but this was one of the most welcoming and fun parties I had ever attended.

The following Monday, Jake drove me to the base at Charleston. In his late twenties, Jake broke his femur in a bad motorcycle accident. They had to install a metal rod in his leg. I remember him rolling his eyes as he set off the metal detector. He explained about the metal rod, but they still gave him a full pat-down. They waved the wand over his leg multiple times, then finally let us pass to the waiting area.

“Every time,” he grumbled, then laughed.

We kissed one last time before I boarded the C-130 for Norfolk. I promised to be careful and keep in touch.

It was bittersweet parting from Jake. Kenny Chesney’s Anything But Mine wouldn’t be released until the next year, but I always think of Jake when I hear that song.

A Positive Outcome

Believe it or not, there is a brightside to the story. At the party I mentioned, Jake met his future wife. They started dating and got married less than a year later. The last I heard from Jake, they had three kids and seemed happy. Jake and I lost touch around the time I moved to Alaska and met my husband. We had been friends on Facebook, but suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know if he just discontinued his Facebook membership, or if he unfriended me. Either one is okay. I understand the need to eventually move on. But I will always think of him and our time together in Charleston as one of the best I have ever had.

Next Stop: Norfolk, Virginia

Time to fly. Off to my next adventure!

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About the Author

I joined the Navy at 18 to escape a small town in the Mojave Desert. A diagnosis of MS disrupted my dreams of becoming an astronaut or a super spy. I made limoncello from my lemons and became a super electrical engineer instead. My fascination with live high voltage drew me to Alaska. I came for the job, but stayed for the adventure. I enjoy blogging about my journey as a woman working in STEM, my experiences dealing with everything MS has handed me, and the wonder of the Alaska wilderness. My husband and I have undertaken the task of turning 30 acres of remote land into an off-grid retreat. I write stories about unique women in STEM who save the day and the hot guys who sometimes help along the way, as well as historical fiction about the Klondike Gold Rush. Teasers for these stories can be found on my website. I self-published my first horror novella, The Dark Land, on Amazon in May of 2020. I released the sequel, The Devil’s Valley, in May of 2021. Both stories are set in the wilderness of Wrangell-St. Elias National Park, and draw on the Athabascan “Head Waters Peoples” legends of the Cet’ann, or “The People With Tails”.

Some places were never meant for humans to trespass…
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The MonSter and my Anniversary

It is amazing how much of our identity as an adult becomes tied to our careers. I have now been working in the power/energy industry in one way or another for 23 years. I’m currently on hold with the company I work for, our business unit has been sold, and after 13 years, I am about to be severed.

Turbine Rotor

Don’t worry—it’s actually a positive thing. I am looking forward to what will hopefully be a new chapter in my career. A chance to strikfdse out from what I have known and try something completely different. Meanwhile, as I sat down to write this blog post tonight, I looked at today’s date and realized that for the first time in 19 years, my anniversary snuck up on me.

Nope—not that one. My wedding was in June of 2010. I’m talking about a different anniversary. One that I was completely unprepared for at the time.

19 years ago today (December 1, 2000), I walked into a small office in Goose Creek, SC and signed a few pieces of paper, officially ending my Naval Career. This process had been over 8 months in the making. In May of 2000 I received the devastating news confirming that I had Multiple Sclerosis. It’s not that I didn’t know something was wrong. I had been complaining to the medics for at least 2 years at that point. But until I started going blind in my right eye and I lost the feeling in my right arm, I wasn’t taken seriously. I was told many iterations of the following:

  • You’re a hypochondriac
  • You’re imagining things
  • It’s not that bad—tough up
  • All women have problems with their bladders
  • You’re fat—if you just lost a few pounds this would all go away
  • You’re just faking it to get out of work

But once they made an official diagnosis, they streamlined my departure from the Navy. My primary care doctor’s attitude didn’t change—he was still convinced I was “faking it” until the day I walked out the door. Even with positive blood results and active lesions on my brain. Yeah, he was a gem.

But there I was, 22 years old, diagnosed with a chronic illness, and completely cut loose from the path I had been determined to follow. A path I had been assured was guaranteed for 8 years. It was a strange feeling being suddenly adrift.

A few days later I packed up my little red Hyundai Accent and pointed it toward the West Coast. I stayed with my parents for a few weeks, trying to figure out a new life plan. All the problems that I had left behind when I joined the Navy were right there waiting in my old hometown. By January, I had accepted a job in Seattle and once more I hit the road for something new.

They say hindsight is 20-20. I would say it is even more than that. Almost microscopic at times. Freshly diagnosed with MS and still in denial, I wasn’t ready for what lay ahead. If I had it to do over, I probably would have taken more time (even before I got out), to get more help adjusting to my diagnosis. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to acknowledge that there was something really wrong. And certainly the people in my life and the time didn’t care or didn’t know enough to say otherwise.

But as they say:

Alea iacta est

The Die is Cast

I can’t go back and undo the past. But as I look back on what has possibly been one of the roughest years MS-in all of the 19 I’ve been diagnosed (2019 sucked in every way it could), I can hope as I make this newest transition that I am choosing a healthier and wiser future.

I’ll let you all know December 20th what my official fate is. I have some new and exciting plans depending on the outcome.

In the meantime, I will keep posting about Alaska and Chicken. Coming up in December I have a few book reviews in the queue and some additional historical features based on our trip to Dawson City, revolving around my research for my novel, A Drink of Dakrness.