Tag: #multiplesclerosis

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The Queen of Ghosts and the Precipice of Change

“I’m going in to the neurologist tomorrow to get the results-to find out whether or not I have MS,” I told him, I looked up into his eyes, choking on tears.

He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer, comforting me in his warm, strong arms. “It’s okay, baby. I’ll be there for you. Call me afterward.”

That was 20 years ago. To this day I can remember how silky the warm sand felt beneath my feet on that South Carolina beach. How the beacon of the lighthouse flashed like a brilliant white star and the salt from the ocean spray tasted on the night wind.

I’ll never forget the pain when he didn’t answer the phone.

It wasn’t the first time I had been ghosted, nor would it be the last. But it would be the first time I was ghosted because of my MS.*** I faced the diagnosis that would end my Naval career alone.

I look at the calendar and realize I am fast approaching my MS diagnosis anniversary (June 1). The year 2000 was a year of tumultuous change in my life. So far, it looks like 2020 will be as well. Not just for me, but for so many others. I find myself once more standing on the precipice of an enormous shift in my life. But unlike in 2000, I am looking forward to the leap, even though I am not entirely certain what the future may hold.

On Monday, I will head into my old office to pack my desk. The end date for the job that brought me to Alaska is coming quick. For the first time in almost 25 years I am going to take a break. Admittedly, I am both nervous and excited at the same time.

The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I look around at 2020 and wonder how I will remember this year 20 years from now. Will it be with a sense of darkness for a year of strife? I’d like to think it will be bittersweet. I want to look back see a feeling of hope, that we, as a society stood at the precipice of self-destruction and chose a better path. What do you think will be the choice? Who will you choose to be? We’re half-way through.

Thanks for reading! Sorry for the rather gloomy blog this week. I promise next week will be more uplifting.

Ray and I have a lot of projects planned for not only this summer but beyond. We’re going to be doing experiments with our solar kit out at the cabin and hopefully some wind studies on our 31 acres in the hopes of putting in some wind turbines eventually. We’re building two new structures on the property this summer.

For those who follow me on Instagram, you know that Ray is working on several new sculptures for the property. In the meantime, my first self-published novella, The Dark Land is out on Amazon. I am working on the sequel, as well as continuing to query some of my other novels.

The legend of Alaska’s Headless Ravine is steeped in blood. Its hunger for human flesh never sleeps, even in the deepest cold of winter. Courage, skill and love will be stretched to the limits on the frozen boundaries of The Dark Land.

We have some other projects up our sleeves, TBA soon.

Side Note:

***I know some will ask, how do you know he ghosted you because of your MS. This is the cautionary tale of:

Don’t date (then ghost) someone you work with.

This could practically be another blog unto itself. But other coworkers knew we had been dating and found out why he suddenly dumped me. Apparently, he didn’t think it was that big a deal, so he told everyone the truth about what he’d done. Let’s just say the rest of the guys at work let him know what a sleaze move that was. I didn’t have to. The best revenge is sometimes when someone else makes themselves look like a jerk. Even though it really hurt at the time.

True Friends

And to give credit where credit is due, while I got ghosted, dumped and diagnosed, three of the most awesome guys I had the privilege to serve with in the Navy requested leave from the Enterprise and drove down to Charleston to cheer me up. I’ll forever be grateful for their kindness and support. This is also my answer to the question, can men and women be friends. Absolutely. Friends and shipmates.

Mikey, Dave and Drew, three of the greatest friends and shipmates who came to my rescue when I was feeling my lowest. I will be forever grateful for their friendship.
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The MonSter and my Anniversary

It is amazing how much of our identity as an adult becomes tied to our careers. I have now been working in the power/energy industry in one way or another for 23 years. I’m currently on hold with the company I work for, our business unit has been sold, and after 13 years, I am about to be severed.

Turbine Rotor

Don’t worry—it’s actually a positive thing. I am looking forward to what will hopefully be a new chapter in my career. A chance to strikfdse out from what I have known and try something completely different. Meanwhile, as I sat down to write this blog post tonight, I looked at today’s date and realized that for the first time in 19 years, my anniversary snuck up on me.

Nope—not that one. My wedding was in June of 2010. I’m talking about a different anniversary. One that I was completely unprepared for at the time.

19 years ago today (December 1, 2000), I walked into a small office in Goose Creek, SC and signed a few pieces of paper, officially ending my Naval Career. This process had been over 8 months in the making. In May of 2000 I received the devastating news confirming that I had Multiple Sclerosis. It’s not that I didn’t know something was wrong. I had been complaining to the medics for at least 2 years at that point. But until I started going blind in my right eye and I lost the feeling in my right arm, I wasn’t taken seriously. I was told many iterations of the following:

  • You’re a hypochondriac
  • You’re imagining things
  • It’s not that bad—tough up
  • All women have problems with their bladders
  • You’re fat—if you just lost a few pounds this would all go away
  • You’re just faking it to get out of work

But once they made an official diagnosis, they streamlined my departure from the Navy. My primary care doctor’s attitude didn’t change—he was still convinced I was “faking it” until the day I walked out the door. Even with positive blood results and active lesions on my brain. Yeah, he was a gem.

But there I was, 22 years old, diagnosed with a chronic illness, and completely cut loose from the path I had been determined to follow. A path I had been assured was guaranteed for 8 years. It was a strange feeling being suddenly adrift.

A few days later I packed up my little red Hyundai Accent and pointed it toward the West Coast. I stayed with my parents for a few weeks, trying to figure out a new life plan. All the problems that I had left behind when I joined the Navy were right there waiting in my old hometown. By January, I had accepted a job in Seattle and once more I hit the road for something new.

They say hindsight is 20-20. I would say it is even more than that. Almost microscopic at times. Freshly diagnosed with MS and still in denial, I wasn’t ready for what lay ahead. If I had it to do over, I probably would have taken more time (even before I got out), to get more help adjusting to my diagnosis. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to acknowledge that there was something really wrong. And certainly the people in my life and the time didn’t care or didn’t know enough to say otherwise.

But as they say:

Alea iacta est

The Die is Cast

I can’t go back and undo the past. But as I look back on what has possibly been one of the roughest years MS-in all of the 19 I’ve been diagnosed (2019 sucked in every way it could), I can hope as I make this newest transition that I am choosing a healthier and wiser future.

I’ll let you all know December 20th what my official fate is. I have some new and exciting plans depending on the outcome.

In the meantime, I will keep posting about Alaska and Chicken. Coming up in December I have a few book reviews in the queue and some additional historical features based on our trip to Dawson City, revolving around my research for my novel, A Drink of Dakrness.