Heads up, abuse survivors, possible triggers ahead.
“I like to keep my towels like that, and my pantry. This guy and I have a lot in common.” My boyfriend said as he unpaused the movie.
The movie in question was Sleeping With the Enemy. Julia Robert’s character is trying to make sure the towels in the bathroom are meticulously lined up, and the cans in the pantry are stacked with the labels outward. At the time I justified his comment with an excuse, like I did so many others:
He’s just kidding.
He’s really not like that guy.
He just likes things really neat.
What I am about to say next may be glaringly obvious at this point, but let me spell it out incase you are really naïve like I was:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER MAKES A COMMENT LIKE THAT, RUN LIKE HELL
Why am I sharing this tidbit? I want to pass on something I learned from my own bad relationships. What is obvious to someone on the outside looking in, it not so clear to the person being abused. especially when they have been groomed and conditioned to believe it is what they deserve.
But why didn’t she just leave?
I am not excusing myself. I recognize now it the low-self esteem and choices that led me to this particular guy. But where did these behaviors stem from? They stemmed from abuse in my past, and inability to confront and manage what I had been through. I couldn’t see myself as a victim, I blamed myself, what happened to me was somehow my fault. I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I had to be something better, to constantly please in order to be worthy of love.
May as well have put a GPS beacon on my head for guys like him. They hone right in on that.
Back to the show. Those redflag comments weren’t the only behavior I excused. Being much younger and naïve, I really thought this was how it worked. This was my first “real” relationship, and he was the first guy who “really” loved me. Or so he convinced me at first. He definitely knew how to dangle that carrot, always just slightly out of reach.
You shouldn’t wear those pants, they make you look fat
That dress is too short for you, it makes you look slutty
(Longer dress) The other one looked better, now you look dowdy
I’m just trying to help you look classy
You should dye your hair blonde, brown makes you look washed out
That’s too blonde, you look like a rock groupie/tramp
You shouldn’t drink while you are out with friends, some guy might try to sleep with you
Are you really going to eat all that? You should probably go to the gym tomorrow
Don’t lose weight, I love how curvy you are
These statements were often countered with presents, roses, jewelry, a nice dinner, or a new outfit (he had better taste, of course).
Over time, I realized nothing I did pleased him. And let’s not even talk about sex or affection. It was my inadequacy in the bedroom that caused my lack of satisfaction (according to him).
It slowly escalated into screaming matches. Belittling me for wanting to have a social life, isolating me from friends, family, and co-workers. But it all came to a head when he wanted me to move in with him. we could never find a place that quite please him, so I said we should hold off on moving in together. In hindsight, he wanted me to move in with him so he could wield the ultimate control over me. Not too much later we had the following conversation. Part of me wishes I could forget it, but at the same time it was the most liberating conversation I ever had.
ME: I NOTICED THAT WHEN I SAY I LOVE YOU LATELY, YOU DON’T SAY IT BACK
HIM: WELL, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, IT’S NOT JUST THAT I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE, I NEVER REALLY DID. I WAS JUST SAYING IT TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE, AND NOW IT’S JUST NOT CONVENIENT ANYMORE
ME: WAIT, YOU’VE BEEN LYING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH ME?
HIM: NO, IT WASN’T A LIE (in other words, how dare I call him a liar) I WOULD HAVE LOVED YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE MOVED IN WITH ME, BUT YOU…
SOMETHING INSIDE ME SNAPPED. I STOPPED LISTENING, INSIDE I WAS FUMING. I DIDN’T EVEN CRY
ME: I GUESS THAT’S ALL I NEED TO KNOW THEN. IT’S OVER.
HIM: YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH ME? YOU CAN’T BREAK UP WITH ME. WE DON’T HAVE TO BREAK UP OVER THIS
I reiterated that it was over and got off the phone. Flash forward to my next day off. It just so happened that my dishwasher was leaking, and the maintenance guy was in my apartment repairing it. My ex-boyfriend didn’t realize he had a witness to his attempt to “win” (force) me back. The encounter in my apartment was unnerving, but par for the course for my interactions with him. When the maintenance guy made his presence known, my ex bailed.
The guy repairing my dishwasher asked me if I needed him to call the cops.
This was an eye opener for me. Another person witnessing his antics and letting me know that was not normal helped me resist going back. My ex had me convinced the whole time that his behaviors were my fault, and if I had only done what he wanted everything would be great. That summed up our whole relationship. I told some of my friends what had been occurring as the break-up unraveled, and they were shocked and angered. But never at any point did I think I was being abused, not until it was over. I shudder sometimes at my lucky/narrow escape.
I did a lot of soul searching after that break-up. I would love to tell you that I never dated another abusive jerk, and I took my new-found self-esteem and conquered the world and instantly found true love, just like in a Hollywood movie.
But life is not like a movie, and our brains are often wired to repeat old embedded patterns. But what I can tell you is that with a lot of help, time, friends, support, therapy, and self-reflection, and even some other mistakes (but that will be another blog post) I did start to recognize the patterns I was creating, and I changed them for the better. I came to realize the things in my past that were not my fault to begin with did not devalue me or make me less of a person. When I finally recognized myself as an amazing person, I started having healthy relationships and the life I truly deserved.